Mom’s GoFundMe For Child’s Replacement Appendix Raises $1,300

California –

A San Antonio mother started a GoFundMe to replace her child’s appendix when she found out that her 7 year old son needed his appendix removed.

Without consulting a doctor, she jumped the gun and raised $1,300 to have her sons appendix replaced.

Her GoFundMe is set with a goal of $50,000. A price that, she thinks, is fair to ask for an appendix.

What she failed to realize is that the human appendix is an unnecessary organ, and there’s no real reason to have it replaced. The people who donated to the cause seem to have missed that fact too.

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France – Yellow Vest Store Owner Rich Beyond His Wildest Dreams

France –

Sacre Bleu is a French business man who owns the only yellow vest store in the country. He says the yellow vest rioters have made him millions.

Bleu seems to be the only person in the country who is doing well financially. He said he sold over 50,000 vests at $50 a piece in the past week alone. Since he’s the only store in France that sells yellow vests, he’s tapped into a monopoly that is making hims rich

“I know there is a lot of turmoil in this country,” said Bleu, “but on the other hand, there’s a bright side to this turmoil”

His brand new blue Porsche can be seen roaring down Clafoutis street in the early hours of the morning when he drives to work.

Child Killer Outlives 250 Year Sentence And Is Back On The Streets

Tennessee-

Jack Dodge is the oldest man alive. 270 years ago he was arrested for killing numerous children in America’s deadliest string of serial murders.

He was sentenced to 250 years in prison. Nobody thought he would survive but he did and now he’s back on the streets ready to kill.

Judge Mathewson of Tennessee says we need to extend sentences. “The problem is that outlier cases can outlive their lengthy sentences” he said “we need to extend the 250 year sentence to a 500 year sentence if we want to be sure that the person will spend life in prison.”

When asked why we dont just give offenders life sentences for heinous crimes, Mathewson said that it’s very common for people to outlive life sentences. “When we sentence someone for life…” he said ” we cant account for things like afterlife, or cryogenic freezing, or if a person dies for a minute on an operating table. There was once a murderer who had heart surgery and died for 3 minutes in the operating room. At that point he technically served his life sentence and was subsequently set free”

Mathewson is writing a book on the subject that will be published this year. As for Jack, he will be released today and he says his goals as a free man are to sail on his boat, visit the succulent olive gardens of Italy, fly over the rolling landscapes of the midwest on a private plane he fixed up, find true love, and “stab a few toddlers for old times sake.”

-staff

Famous Amos Recalling Packages With ‘Famous Anus’ Typo



Hawaii – 

The cookie giant “Famous Amos” based out of Hawaii made an appalling operational error today after several thousand boxes of cookies were sold with the words “Famous Anus” printed on them. 

The company is investigating the mishap but right now they believe it was a contemptuous ex-employee who hacked into the production lines and printed the remixed design.

The ex-employee, who’s name has not been released, was apparently fired several months ago for stealing cookies for personal consumption. He stole over 600 bags of cookies over the course of a week. 

Famous Amos will be recalling all packaging labeled with “anus”, and will be offering reimbursement to customers who were affected. 

Local Rappers Arrested For Prop Cocaine

LA – 

Molly Franklin and her boyfriend Thom Maniez were arrested today for allegedly trafficking cocaine through California. 

Authorities intercepted the couple in Los Angeles, where they were found with 20 pounds of cocaine. 

What the cops didn’t know was that the couple are semi-famous Mexican rappers who were shooting a music video in South America. Their music video involved depictions of heavy cocaine abuse. 

Upon further inspection the cocaine was discovered to be fake, and the couple were set free after being held for three days in a holding cell while the fake cocaine was tested.  

New App Lets You Track The Places Where You Masturbated

 

PA – Spluge Traveler has a vision.

Jeff Tomkins had a vision and a boner. 

After backpacking through Europe for several months as a Christian missionary Tomkins said he found a niche that needed to be filled.

“When you travel for months at a time.. you find yourself masturbating in some weird places,” said Tomkins, “I for one, have masturbated in Grand Central Station, a Spanish whore house, a French opium den, a German drug rehab facility, and an Interpol holding cell. My masturbating history tells a story.”

Tomkin’s new app will function as a social platform and allow users to track where they have masturbated and share their experiences. He wants to also integrate a star rating system so users can rate their experiences. 

“We all need to make an impact, and I guess this is my calling” said Tomkins

Fedora Wearing Developer Creates Virtual Playground For Incels To Murder Stacys

“Standoff” was a school shooting-simulation video game developed by Acid games that was on track to debut on the online gaming platform Steam until it was pulled by the platform in late May. The decision to withhold the game from the public followed a viral campaign organized by parents of the Stoneman Douglas Highschool shooting victims that gathered 100,000 signatures calling for the cancellation of the game.

Anton Makarevskiy, a lead developer at Acid games, said in a half-hearted apology letter addressed to the Steam community that he did not intend to promote violence or hatred with the game, but was following in the footsteps of other shock-value phenomenal games like Postal or Hatred.

To reduce the growing backlash, Makarevskiy created a private forum as a sounding board for gamers to voice their contempt over Steam’s removal of the game. In the forum anonymous members exalted Makarvskiy for his opus magnum, listing it among other gruesome works produced in the same vein like A Serbian Film, and Two guys one hammer.

It seems that the supporters of this game all fit a similar profile: edgy young people who’ve flirted with dark fantasies and are drawn to hyper realistic brutality and violence. Some commenters on the forum referenced their appreciation for Isis snuff films.

It’s been 8 months since the game has been pulled from Steam and in the aftermath of the controversial firestorm hailed by free speech proponents and school shooting victims, a glaring detail had gone under the radar. While critics were so shocked at the violence portrayed in the game, they would have been even more shocked had they investigated actual footage from the game play.

In the game, a player takes on the role of an active shooter and can choose his killing instrument from an arsenal of weaponry including AK-47’s, knives, machine guns, and pistols. When the player steps foot into a school, he is confronted by poorly animated swat officers who are all trying to kill him. If he gets past the swat team (which is super easy to do) he can then hunt down civilians who are scattered around the school.

The game has some standards as it avoided featuring children civilians in the schools…Which is… good? I guess. But perhaps highlighting an equally twisted fantasy it only features young attractive women as civilians, all of whom are scantily clad, defenseless, and literally immobile. The women are placed around the school like sitting ducks and either don’t run away when they are shot at or very stupidly fumble over each other trying to find escape. They are portrayed as lifeless, brain dead creatures diversified solely by the color of their clothing, while their athletic builds and giant breasts are uniform traits.

womenhater3women haterwomen hater 2

This problematic portrayal of women led me to dig a little deeper into Makarvskiy’s life, and on the 5th minute of my Googling I unsurprisingly found a video of him… wearing a fedora.

Anton Makarevskiy, lead developer at Acid games
Anton Makarevskiy rocks his fedora in front of a backdrop of amateur sketches

Now, a fedora isn’t always the trappings of an incel women hater. Some men pulled off the fedora. Look at Winston Churchill or Theodore Roosevelt, luminaries of their time who rocked the fedora with unabashed pride.

So I’m not saying that you’re an incel if you wear a fedora, I’m just saying that every incel owns one. The Fedora caught on as an incel trend mainly because it denotes a lack of social consciousness and mainstream style. To put it in perspective, the height of the fedora was during the roaring twenties, almost 100 years ago.

If you haven’t heard of “incel” before, I’d suggest Googling it because I don’t want to go into a full incel profile here. But very briefly “incel” stands for “involuntarily celibate” and it’s a self-identified term used to express men who are contemptuous over the lack of sex they are getting. Here is a music video I made to demonstrate:

The incel community has evolved into advanced networks of socially awkward women haters who blame all their problems on the rest of the world. The utter contempt of people and social situations is the glue that binds the counterculture incel communities. Using their social contempt as a springboard, they’re able to jump into toxic realms unchecked by social norms.  Some school shooters were active in incel communities, and they are often praised for carrying out incel fantasies of giving an unfair world a taste of its own medicine. The toxic incel groups largely exist on internet forums such as The Red Pill, on Reddit, and a new up and coming group dubbed Incels Without Hate, which they named in hopes of rebranding their collective image.

Incels have developed a language of their own to describe various skewed world views that fuel their animosity. Attractive men who’ve conquered women’s sexuality and keep them out of incel reach are called “Chads.” Chads are muscular men whose magnetism and confidence threaten incel hopes of ever attaining sexual relationships because they simply cannot compete. A “Stacy” is an objectifying term used to describe the women that the Chad ensnares. Stacy is busty, attractive, and too stupid to realize that she is missing out on the “nice guys” by settling for a Chad.

So essentially Stand Off serves as a toxic virtual playground for incels to live out their deranged fantasies of slaughtering Stacy-like women. Though there is no evidence that the creator is an incel, his 100-year old sense of fashion and his violent fantasies directed towards women led me to pick up on a strong incel scent.

Radio Host Believes Talking Over Iconic Song Intros Improves Music

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Connecticut – The iconic opening riff of Thunderstruck was drowned out yesterday when a Connecticut radio host felt that promoting his band’s upcoming show was more important than appreciating the master finger work of Angus Young.

“Everyone be sure to come out to Don’s bar and grill on the hill this weekend for my Pearl Jam cover band Platypussy” he said as Thunderstruck slowly faded in.

Radio executive Bill Bean from American radio consulting said that the new generation of radio listeners prefer irrelevant banter overpowering the actual songs they came to listen to. “Young people today want attention,” he said “they don’t listen to the radio to hear their favorite songs anymore. The radio is more of an experience to them, and they thrive on disruption, which is why they’d rather listen to some droning middle age man than actual music”

Radio hosts around the country are seeing success in talking over your favorite song openings. Some hosts are so optimistic about this new trend, they’ve extended their banter to not only eclipse song intros, but also iconic solos.

Mike Pascal from W.E.R.O.C.K in Kansas says his show is going all in on this trend. “So we started by talking over song intros, and after seeing such success we began cutting the ends of songs too. No more solo at the end of free bird. No more solo in Sultans of Swing. And we’ve also started interrupting mid-song to drown out classic solos that might bring our listeners joy,” he said.

Staff

After having his press card revoked from the White House, Acosta will also not be invited to Trumps birthday party

Washington –

After Senior CNN reporter Jim Acosta had his press pass revoked from the white house, Trump took an additional step and tweeted that Acosta will not be invited to his birthday party:

tweet3

The tweet fomented a heated backlash on Twitter from liberals who denounced Trump’s childish behavior.

Trump, in an exclusive interview said “Well, he’s missing out. I throw the best parties, steaks, wine, even moon bounces. He will not be allowed inside the moon bounce”

-Staff