This past Saturday Harvard lost a football game against Yale in a catastrophic defeat 3 – 24. The game is a highly anticipated tradition, drawing large crowds and a lot of tension. Though the two Ivy’s are known for their academics, the display of brute force and domination of American football still warrants bragging rights.
In response to the fair defeat, Harvard responded on their YouTube channel with a parody of Taylor Swift’s song “Look what you made me do”, except Harvard’s version was way more troubling.
The video focuses on asserting Harvard’s academic and intellectual superiority to Yale and serves as a testament to their privilege.
Some of the lyrics include:
“I don’t like New Haven’s kind, the city is full of crime”
“Honey I got into Harvard, I get jobs all the time”
Salsberg NJ – Josh Paltrow, senior executive at Techrun Industries, was asked to step down this morning after decorating his office with a Christmas tree, following memo that urged employees to don the offices with inclusive decorations.
The memo was sent out last week and read:
Please be wary of your diverse group of co-workers and refrain from any holiday decorations unless they are culturally inclusive”
Paltrow was fired by the board of directors the following day. “He did not heed our memo, and now is a time when we cannot afford to get into any political disputes…He was a good worker, but some of the office complained, and we had to do what any company would have done – we let him go” says CEO John Bushman.
Paltrow was unavailable for questioning but we received a picture of him in front of his tree from his blog
“Not all men have penises” Sarah Cutlander shouted into a megaphone in front of hundreds of protesters who congregated at Burketown college this morning to protest the use of urinals in men’s bathrooms.
The transgender group, TGIF, which stands for “Thank God It’s Feminism”, protested the use of urinals at a local college campus claiming that they exclude the use of people without penises. Sarah Cutlander, a transgender male, lead the organization in a vocal rally. “We need to thwart the patriarchy. This is an issue descending from a fundamental misunderstanding of what defines manhood. I am a man, but I have a vagina. When I see a urinal I am reminded of how the systemic network of men who rule this country have extended their reach to dictate our behaviors and culture down to the level of toilet usage. Having a urinal is like saying – to be a man, you must have a penis. Since urinals are built around the functionality of the penis”
The Dean of school announced later in a press release that though the display was courageous, they are not thinking of removing urinals any time soon:
“Dear faculty and student body,
The display of protesters is a heartwarming reminder that we still have ground to cover in accepting all people in all their forms. Though we respect the bravery of the young men and women who protested today, we encourage you to use the stalls if you have a problem with the urinals. Some of our student body finds the urinals easier to use, which is why they are there. It is not a question of exclusion, it is about functionality”
The protest has dissipated but you can visit the alt-left trans group’s Facebook page to learn more.
WA – Following a supreme court case dealing with the FBI using urinal sensors to spy on public restrooms to thwart domestic terrorism, a bill was passed this morning that will make surveillance from the urinal legal.
What you need to know:
This does not mean that every urinal will be under surveillance. The urinals most susceptible to this new bill are government controlled urinals i.e. public bathrooms
Is my urinal recording me?
Maybe. Though the bill allows private urinals to record activity, it only allows federal agents to have access to the footage in case of domestic terrorism. There are, however, some stipulations. Big sites like Facebook and Snapchat were trying to get a finger in the pie to use urinal surveillance for advertising purposes, which may be allowed in the future.
Will there be a warning?
No. Urinals are not, by law, required to express they are recording you. Some private urinals may have warnings just to be informative.
NY – Following a deadly terrorist incident that left 8 dead and over several injured, police searched the belongings of 29 year old Sayfullo Habibullaevic Saipov. In his left pocket they found a syringe filled with feminine hormones including Flamthol and Estrogen.
Autopsies revealed that some of the victims were stabbed with the cocktail of “Gay Inducing Hormones” as described in Saipov’s diary. His diary also revealed a plan to induce homosexuality in as many of his victims possible so they would be stricken by Phallus, the Muslim god of Homophobia.
Saipov’s diary outlined a plan to induce homosexuality in men and women alike from the Western world to bring about a rapture that would kill all Americans. This sort of insane, backwards thinking highlights the nuanced motives of modern terrorism.
“The Muslims want everyone to be gay” says Robert Barone, lead anthropologist at Marlboro University, “This is outlined and described at length in the Quran, and it has been talked about for decades by the Muslim leaders. By making the Western world gay, they will trigger Allah to kill the perpetrators. This is why we have seen gay propaganda funded by Muslim organizations in the past”
North Korea – In a press conference addressing the prospects of nuclear war, one of North Korea’s top political advisers made the following statement:
“Trump’s leadership is unconventional, but he resurfaced a strong ferocity that has been lost in politics. We respect his gusto, and in keeping in line with the North Korean vision, we would be remiss if we attacked conservative entities first, as opposed to liberal governed cities.”
Though no direct threat was made, it was implied by omission. Since the comment was made early this morning, analysts at the White House speculate no American is in immediate danger, but they are urging liberal cities to be on guard.
Jeff Anderson, a White House correspondent said the following “Washington is jammed up on prospect of nuclear war right now. It’s a hot and aggressive topic. But there have been no statements made about this being an immediate threat. It is only exaggerated rhetoric, but it does have the possibility of escalating into something more”
America and North Korea are teetering on the edge of nuclear war that could be the end of humanity. Increased rhetoric and stained egos will only contribute to more tensions in foreign affairs.
Joe Malone reports
Joe Malone’s writing has appeared in esquire, the New York Times, and CNN.
Rudolf Sankins, 22, of Brooklyn NY, signed up for a new and intensive work out program called “Seal Squad.” The program is part of a burgeoning industry of work out plans that get members fit through rugged and unconventional strategies. Seal Squad echoes the style of Spartan race and Crossfit.
Undecided in what he wanted to do in life, Sankins signed up for Seal Squad at his local community college, mistaking them for the Navy Seals. “They had a stand in the student center with flyers and posters,” Sankins said, “I thought they were recruiting…They didn’t brand themselves like a fitness program I can tell you that”
Sankins paid $40 to become a member with the Seal Squad, but thought he was paying an application fee.
Joe Powell, 22, of Seymour Connecticut acquired over ten million points at the Edge fitness center in Hamden (approximately $250,000 worth of Edge fitness shakes.)
He achieved this through a legal glitch in the Edge rewards system. Contractually the Edge is obligated to reimburse him through their rewards for all his points. With ten million points he threatened to purchase 50,000 shakes which would ultimately pose a huge financial burden on the company. Edge CEO John Rappaport spoke about the issue “We realize that the glitch was legal and fair game. Instead of shakes or fitness consultations, we are offering Joe valuable stock options in the company.”
Greg Oikinson, 29, of Palo Alto has been a senior developer at Google for seven years. He in in charge of strategy and operations at Google Earth. Leading a team of 10 engineers, Wilkinson is tasked with overseeing the general functions of the Google Earth software.
Last week Wilkinson Tweeted a post that echoed undertones of flat earth conspiracy: “Everything in this world is theory. From black holes to the roundness of the earth.” His post raised eyebrows in the tech world, but it wasn’t until this morning that his peers’ suspicions were confirmed following his most recent post denouncing modern science, Google, and NASA.
“As a lead Google developer for over seven years it is my responsibility to finally address our terrestrial landscape”
He linked to his blog in which he stated “After years of diligent study and intent work I have concluded there is no way the world can be spherical. Given how our data at Google has never matched up to NASA’s data, and given how modern technology simply cannot measure the magnitude of such a planet, we can never really be guaranteed the earth is spherical. The truth is, this idea is so ingrained in our culture that no one questions it. Well, I’m questioning it.”
Following his tweet and blog post, Google suspended Wilkinson to handle the situation internally.