Researchers Leak Rare Photo From Hiroshima

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Japan –

Researchers at the Inc Da center for Japanese history have accidentally leaked a rare photo taken at Hiroshima on the day of the notorious nuclear strike. This photo was originally taken in black and white, but a photographer recreated it to add color.

The original photographer is unknown. More details to be released.

-Staff writes

Stunningly Attractive Model Who Technically Qualifies As Slightly Overweight By Modeling Standards, Makes Cover Of Magazine

lving life

Martha Livingston, a slightly overweight by modeling standards, yet unconventionally beautiful female model, broke social barriers last weekend when she appeared on the cover of LivingLife Magazine. Martha is the first “technically, but barely enough to tell a difference” plus sized model that made the cover of LivingLife.

“I just want to show people that you can be proud of your beautiful features” said Martha, “And that a little photoshop doesn’t hurt either!”

She is truly a role model to all those young girls out there.

School Panics When Teachers Mistake Student’s Quran As A Bomb

 

muslim guy 2Westfield VA- Westfield Elementary  was up in arms this morning as sirens blared through the hallways of the elementary school and a fully loaded bomb squad tore through he building searching for threats. The bomb threat was called in by Morgan Freeliner, a fourth grade English teacher, who claimed one of her student’s was wielding an equipped explosive.

“I brought cookies and treats for the class” says Freeliner, “And one of my students, Mohammed, held up a bomb like apparatus, and said ‘Allah Ahkbar'”

Authorities are investigating the scene. Ten year old Mohammed Wilson, of Westfield VA, is the student alleged for the misunderstanding. Wilson claims the teacher misheard what he said as “Allah Akbar” when really he was saying “I’ll have a snack bar,” but his words were slurred and it might have came out differently; though he admits there is no conceivable possibility  that anyone could have misunderstood his clarity.

After a run down of the school, a full investigation is now taking place. The only item that Wilson had on him was his Quran, which he claims he uses for “Religious Purposes” which is speculated by authorities to be the name of an obscure branch of ISIS.

Wilson was set free this morning, but the investigation continues.

-Staff

Is Your Friend A Yuppie? 10 Warning Signs To Look For

Yuppies from previous generations were easily recognizable. Rolex watches, Sports Blazers, Car Phones, and copy of the New York Times tucked under the arm were all signs that pointed to Yuppie. Today, Yuppies face the dawn of a new age, and as a result, they are hardly as distinguishable as they were in the past. Thankfully, our staff has been working tirelessly in examining newer Yuppie forms. We took our knowledge of the Millennial Yuppie, and threw together a list that will guide you in determining which of your friends are Yuppies.

*For those of you who don’t know, “Yuppie” stands for “Young Urban Professional.” This list applies to people who are in the age group of 20-32 years old.

1. Your friend listens to “Ted Talks”

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Ted Talks showcase a narrow variety of seminars usually discussing trite questions that compliment the viewers naivety like “How to be a successful procrastinator.” Anyone who is diligently keeping up to date on Ted Talks is probably trying to derive some career building strategies from the seminars. Now, someone who is in a career with room for growth…is probably a Yuppie.

2. You overheard your friend say “Close the Goldberg deal” on the phone

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If your friend is closing deals on his free time, he is probably involved in a highly demanding job. A lot of jobs can be demanding…But if your friend is closing deals, then he probably holds a professional position. I’d say he’s a Yuppie.

3. Your friend wears a Peacoat 

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The Peacoat is a central component of the Yuppie uniform.

4. Your friend participates in 5ks, color runs, or community walks

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Part of the Yuppie’s MO is to be active and social. 5k marathons, color runs, and community fundraisers are a perfect combination of each for the Yuppie.

6. Your friend appreciates opinions that spark a “dialogue”

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Your friend doesn’t necessarily agree with your opinion, but he claims to appreciate that it initiates a dialogue. Yuppies use this terminology all too often. “Society needs to engage in this dialogue” they’ll say. It just means that they really don’t agree with you, but, being a professional, they are compelled to acknowledge something positive in your opinion.

7. Your friend eats Keenwa

keenwa

If you’re angered at the incorrect spelling of “Keenwa”, then you yourself are probably a Yuppie. Yuppies eat this grain religiously. They find a way to incorporate it into every dish, like it is some miracle food. In fact, they actually call it a miracle food. Point is…its nasty without ketchup.

8. Your friend reads interesting articles in the Times 

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Yuppies love everything about New York except Donald Trump. They love the New Yorker, the Times, NPR, etc. Every topic you discuss with a Yuppie will always  lead to a New York Times reference. “Ah, I actually just read an interesting article about that in the Times” they’ll say.

9. Your friend smugly volunteers at the soup kitchen once a week

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Modern Yuppies are obsessed with keeping their humanity in tact. Yuppies wont brag about it either. The way Yuppies brag is by mentioning things in casual conversation. “You know, I met a nice young man where I volunteer today” they’ll say, or “The people at the soup kitchen are so spirited. They are truly a pleasure”

10. Your friend bought extra space on Google Drive

drive

Yuppies need a lot of digital space for work. If your friend bought space for his Google drive, he is probably a Yuppie.

 

Easter Basket, or Shalach Manos?

Having trouble identifying those mysterious packages on your doorstep? Can’t decipher if the gifts are celebrating Easter or Purim?

Here are some comprehensive steps in discerning the differences between Easter baskets and Shalach Manos.

1. Have you received ‘Must’ gum in your basket?

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‘Must’ gum is the go to identifier of Shalach Manos. If you find a package of Must gum in your gift, you can end your investigation, because you have received Shalach Manos.

2. Is there a chocolate bunny in your basket?

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Often times chocolate bunnies signify an Easter basket. But, depending on how ostracized your Jewish community is, a Frum person may mistake Bunnies as a representation of the biblical commandment “Be fruitful and multiply.” Be careful with the bunnies. Try checking to see if the bunny is wearing an ironic Yarmulke. Some Shalach Manos have evolved to incorporate humor and irony.

3. Check your bag for poorly wrapped Marble cake, seven layer cake, or Babka

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Stale Marble cake poorly held together by clumping Saran wrap is a definite indicator that you have received Shalach Manos.

4. You chipped a tooth on one of these cookies, and can’t figure out which religion to blame

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Blame the Christians. These elaborate pebbles can be soft and delightful right out of the oven. But after sitting on your porch for several hours they have hardened with diamond like toughness. They are Italian Easter cookies, and they have kept dentists in business since Jesus.

5. Someone folded a glob of Smuckers into a disfigured triangle and put it in the same bag with the Lemonheads. 

Hamantashin

They’re called Hamantaschens, and no, the Jews don’t even bother wrapping them. They just dump ’em in a used shopping bag from a Monsey grocery store and expect you to fish through jelly covered Nosh to get to them.

6. Someone accidentally dropped an entire egg into their dough and left it in the bread

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It wasn’t an accident, this was tactfully planned. Christians have discovered the flavorful confluence of sweet bread, and a hearty egg to go with it. After finishing your sprinkled desert, you now have the option of disarraying your taste buds with a gelatinous sphere of salt.

7. You can play Hebrew scrabble with your cookies

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These are found in Shalach Manos. Similar to Aplha-Bits, these are uniquely called Aleph-bets. They taste as holy as they look.

8. You are having fun positioning tiny candy bunnies to make them look like they are humping

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They are called Peeps. They are the classic markings of Easter. Since their structure is so adherent, a lot of people melt them down into makeshift glue.

9. You got sushi, or candy made to look like sushi

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Sushi is an unexplained fetish in the Jewish world. No one is quite sure why, but it has been trending in recent years.

10. Gefilte fish? or dish sponge?

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Gefilte fish is like the hot dog of the fish industry. It is made of unused fish parts industrially pulverized into a a sausage that is then cut up into little slices and served with a carrot garnish. If you’re used to it, it can be quite tasty. If you live healthily you may want to ask your doctor if it is right for you. Either way, Gefilte fish only shows up in Shalach Manos.

 

 

We hope this cleared things up. Happy Purim, Happy Easter.

 

 

An open letter to the open response my Ex posted about my previous open letter

white girlLet me start by saying: I am so over you.

With that in mind, here is my open letter to an open response that you posted last week in reference to a previously written open letter in which I addressed one of your open letters that, I felt, villainized me.

Listen, ex BAE; we used to be the cutest couple. Remember when we remixed the Pina Colada song to better fit our personal interests:

“If you like sippin on sizzurp, and makin it rain…if you’re not into Zumba, and you like Gucci Mane.”   

We had our golden years baby, but for SOME REASON you decided to inflict pain on my heart. A pain of genocidal proportions. To say the least.

We had it all. Everlasting love, a nice trendy coffee shop to frequent, a baby on the way. But then the baby came out black, and you convinced me that the race of our child was the result of a recessive gene in my DNA.

And I believed you. How could I not? You were taking intro to biology classes at the local community center. You knew your shit.

Then, three weeks later, I stumbled upon an adult film in which you were the featured talent. You were having sex with a black guy. The end credits even listed your full legal name. But you said, it was just a coincidence.

I believed you. Because I loved you.

I should have known all the used condoms that were turning up in our bedroom had nothing to do with “New techniques in Feng Shui”, like you claimed. How could I be so gullible?

But I believed you, Because I loved you.

I should have known that when you got married to a black guy  under a canopy in Block Island, you weren’t just “practicing for ours.” That was a real priest! You actually got married to him!

But I believed you. Because I loved you.

Now…we find ourselves here. You have a solid restraining order against me, which, if broken, could result in long term incarceration for me. I intend to break it to the fullest extent of illegality. Because I love you.

Kanye West Proposes His Birthday Be Recognized As National Holiday

kanyeCA – Kanye West is under fire after making questionable remarks last night at a celebratory musician dinner. He was delivering a speech on maintaining humility in the celebrity world. The speech was addressed to fellow celebs in the audience including Ashton Kutcher, Kim Kardashian, and Kendrick Lamar.

In the midst of his speech Kanye proposed an idea that had our eye brows raised.

“Society celebrates the strong,” Kanye said “we celebrate the ultimate influences in society by recognizing their birthdays, and celebrate the day that god gave those people to us, together. Thats why, I think, ya’ll should celebrate my birthday, together, and with me, because that is the best way to show a person you respect them. Without respect, we are nothing. So, yes, I do believe my birthday should be a national holiday, to respect me, the country, and the countries founders.”

This is not the first time Kanye has taken hold of the spotlight through off the cuff, awkward remarks. His aggrandized ego seems to stay hungry, there is never a dull moment when listening to him. It is no surprise that such a remark was made by Kanye.

Faltering over his words, Kanye later stated that he stands by his speech but will not “cause a fuss” if his birthday is not immediately recognized by the nation because he claims that eventually he is assured it will be.

-Staff

Meek Mill Takes Up Part-Time Job At Denny’s After Nicki Complains Of Him Freeloading

Collage DennysBeverly Hills, CA – Nicki and Meek have been together for over two years. The couple first met over Twitter beef in 2009, a run of the mill standard for celebrity dating now a days. Meek then took Nicki out on several dates and soon enough, the two were Twitter official.

Meek and Nicki lived lavishly for a short time. Splurging credit, high stakes poker, high flying in private jets; they had it all. But their fast-paced lifestyle came to a standstill when Nicki realized that Meek simply did not have the income to fund such luxuries. Her discovery of Meek’s financial shortcomings gave way to a new attitude in the relationship.Nicki turned into somewhat of a hard ass and demanded that Meek “get a real job”- reliable sources.

Meek was flirting with the concept of rap at the time and had already built a steady career for himself, but the income was still not enough. To make matters worse, the rapper experienced a heated back and forth, or “back to back” as some refer to it, with his his famed contemporary, Drake. The aftermath of this battle resulted in his music career being torn from mediocre heights to an abysmal low.

Defeated, Meek spent the next half year growing out his stubble, and then shaving it off to see which looks better. He  arrived at a conclusion to keep half stubble, half shaved.

With his newfound semi-clean working mans look, Meek is ready to hit the job market. Sources claim to have seen Meek dressed in a suit and tie, entering a Five Guys, and a Burger King on two separate occasions. Each time Nicki was seen trailing behind him with a scornful look on her face, and she was muttering “If you don’t get this one Meek, I’m gonna have to be featured on one of your songs again.”

Meek was last seen leaving a Denny’s in the upper Hollywood area. He was elbow jerking the air proclaiming “Yes, Yes, I got the job.”

Sources suspect he got the job.

-Staff

Nicholas Cage To Play Chad Kroeger In Nickelback Documentary

CollageHollywood, CA – The famed  post grundge rock band, Nickelback, is expected to release a monumental documentary exploring their struggle through the harsh 90’s, their influence on classic rock, and pop culture as we know it today. The documentary is going to be filmed in Noir, a characteristically dark genre, to exemplify the struggles the band underwent in drastically molding modern styles.

Nickelback is best know for their pensive lyrical prose, unique styles, and authentic sound. The band has been recognized for bold political pieces such as “Look at this photograph”, a song about Andrew Weiner’s notorious dick pics, and “Rockstar”, a song that eventually contributed to the black lives matter movement.

The pending documentary will celebrate the band’s countless feats. Sources have confirmed that Nicholas Cage will be playing the lead role in the film as Chad Kroeger, with Meryl Streep playing the supporting role as Avril Lavigne. The documentary is in production and will hopefully be in theaters next summer.

-Staff

Plus sized model fired after stealing company donuts

fattassNY – Martha Stronghold, an up and coming plus sized model, is intent on revolutionizing the beauty industry. “Every body is beautiful” she boldly states in an exclusive interview. “Our plus sized bods should be free from judgement. Everyone is a human being.”

The aspiring model’s vision of beauty equality was driven into the ground Friday, when Stronghold was fired for pilfering company purchased donuts.

Bill Buckaman, CEO of ‘Chubby-Chasers’, the company Stronghold worked for, speaks out on the issue. “At Chubby Chasers, we value authenticity. That’s why, every morning we show our employees genuine care by buying them a full tray of donuts for their enjoyment. Company policy strictly states one donut per person. Now, some of us take two every now and then, but Martha was taking way above her fair share of donuts on a daily basis. It got to a point where, sometimes no body but Martha got donuts on a given day. We did all we could to confront her, but she would not comply so we had to let her go.”

Buckaman contends that such an agency is prone to experience food-related problems. “I work with chubby models,” he says, “They like to eat, just like skinny models throw up to keep themselves thin, my models eat to keep their careers. Listen,. I know it may be because of the stress of the job, but that’s not excuse to be dishonest. I wish the best to Martha and her future endeavors.”

Meanwhile, Martha has gained national recognition as a martyr in the industry. “I will stay true to myself” says Martha, “I like donuts. I eat them. Me losing my job just goes to show the intolerance in this country that plus sized people experience every day.”

 

 

– Staff