Trump Replaces Spanish Translations On White House Site With Redneck Slurs And Rascal Flatts References


The Trump administration made the White House site redneck friendly this morning, keeping in line with Trump’s pledge to be the president for all Americans.

“Well, wanted a more user friendly platform for the majority of our supporters” said Trump at a press conference, “we realized quickly that most of my supporters could barely speak English, but they can understand Rascal Flatts references and various southern slurs”

The move to make the government redneck friendly is paving the way for our nation.



Donald’s Mention of Patton and McArthur Underlines a Frightening Ignorance of both History and Foreign Affairs

Repeatedly, REPEATEDLY, during both the second and third debate, Trump mentioned George Patton and Douglas MacArthur, in context “Patton and MacArthur would be turning in their graves…” if they were confronted with Hillary’s political and military decisions.  This has driven me insane. Twice.

Let’s start with the more subtle issue of Patton.  Patton, while impressive in his North Africa campaign, would probably not fit in to the modern military ideals so well.  Patton was well renown for ignoring possible civilian casualties to throw huge numbers of troops and equipment directly at the target with little regard for both his own sides lives and the lives of the people living there.  This sort of military approach, “total war”, made famous in United States history by William Tecumseh Sherman, is rather frowned upon in a post Geneva Convention era.  Patton, while militarily effective, would never have been able to operate in this current military and political climate.

But MacArthur… MACARTHUR… MacArthur doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Patton unless it is a military chronology, let alone Hillary Clinton, because despite the fact that she has never served in the military making her totally unqualified to be a general (kind of like Trump and the Presidency) she could still general circles around MacArthur.

MacArthur’s contribution to WW2 was island hopping, the idea of only taking only specific islands in a line to approach more strategic Japanese locations.  This seems obvious now, why take the entire wall when you could make a tiny hole and stream into the city through that, but at the time it was ingenious and revolutionary.  So revolutionary, in fact, that when Hitler did it to the Maginot line in France everyone was shocked.

Wait, What? I hear you ask me in your head.

That’s right.  After WW1 France created the Maginot line, a series of interconnected fortresses and cannonades on France’s Northern border pointing directly at Germany.  It was thought to be impenetrable, since taking every single fortress would have been required uncountable manpower and unprecedented military machinery.  This made sense in a world without… say… planes… and tanks… but it also made sense in the context of WW1’s trench warfare.  This fortress line would give France a huge advantage if Germany ever made a giant trench line across that border again.  Hitler looked at this and literally loled.  Then he took his tanks, and his planes, and his army, and marched it right through the Maginot Line in a straight line, taking 5 of the over 200 fortresses before entering France.

MacArthur credited Hitler’s tactics in piercing the Maginot line with the Allies victory in the Pacific.  That’s right, MacArthur’s greatest accomplishment was credited to Hitler.  And it turns out he didn’t even come up with it, and aide suggested adopting similar tactics.  So MacArthur’s greatest accomplishment was listening to an aide suggest they act like Hitler.

Fast forward to the Korean War.  The Korean War, if you study it long enough, becomes an internal struggle between hawkish politicians who want to go to war with China to undermine communist influence and everyone else who thought that that was absolutely insane.  Both sides were deeply paranoid, powerful, and far reaching.  MacArthur was one of the more famous hawks, advocating for such humanitarian efforts as NUKING CHINA.  (Actually, the more that I talk about MacArthur, the more Trump’s apparent idolization of him makes sense; neither has a strong concept of the impact and severity of nuclear weapons.)

MacArthur was put in charge of the Korean War from the outset, and he did exactly what he learned from the Pacific Campaign and marched in a straight line.  Never mind that he was fighting a totally different enemy in an entirely different arena with widespread public support, he thought that this war was strategically similar to the last.  Because it wasn’t MacArthur who learned military history’s lessons, it was Hitler, which is why when given the opportunity to do it again, he failed miserably.  MacArthur marched the United States military in a straight line, right through North Korea, towards the goal he really wanted: China.  (Again, lots of similarities with Trump).

See, MacArthur thought that if he got close enough to China, they would see Chinese troops in North Korea, and attack them.  This would instigate the Chinese into a full scale invasion, which would throw the USA into all out war with China.  MacArthur wanted all out war with China because he was an idiot more concerned with the spread of communism than the colossal tole such a war would have taken on humanity.

The CIA didn’t find evidence of Chinese Troops in North Korea, but what they did have were intelligence reports of North Korean troops surrounding the Americans as they traipsed north towards China.  They also had pictures of China massing troops on the border in preparation to defend itself.  MacArthur didn’t trust the CIA, because similar to Donald Trump, he believed it was rigged.  Actually that’s not fair.  MacArthur refused to listen to the CIA because he thought that he was right and Washington couldn’t possibly have a better grasp of what was happening than he did because they weren’t there.

MacArthur finally arrived and crossed the border.  China threw him backed with sheer weight of people involved.  MacArthur was forced to retreat in shame back through North Korea, all the while being harassed and slaughtered by the North Koreans who had surrounded the US army, sort of like how the CIA had suggested.  This was the worst defeat of an American army since the Civil War.  MacArthur was immediately removed from command.

This is the general that Trump keeps touting as an icon.  What a joke.

How The Term “White Privilege” Is Ruining The Chocolate Industry


Wellington, PA – Paul Rutgers has been in business for 25 years. Surprisingly, he is only 25 years old. In the early 1990’s Pauls father opened a small Pennsylvania chocolate shoppe that eventually grew into a Wellington staple: Rutgers fudge.

Rutger fudge started business in a ramshackle industrial building on the edge of town. Business was booming immediately, but in 1996 the Rutgers had to respond to an economic crisis in chocolate trade. He shifted his focus to white chocolate.

Mr. Rutger had a good feeling about white chocolate. He thought white chocolate offered a unique and dynamic taste that could be lucrative. As he molested the market, feeling for good deals and prices, he eventually settled for a pristine beauty: Mahan Mun. Mahan Mun is a white chocolate from China. It is so brilliantly white, the towns people of Mun have a special prayer for it. Since it was so special in China, Mr. Rutger decided to name it “White Privilege”

This was before the term we now know existed. We had the chance to confront Paul Rutgers and ask him what he calls his fathers famous chocolate now.

“Well, its just weird you know. We still call it white privilege” Paul said “We think it is very unfair, so far…since the term has been thrown around so often, we are actually losing money  because people think we are racist…the problem is, most of our customer base is familiar with white privilege chocolate, so if we change the name now we may lose those customers…”

As you can see, Paul was very upset.



– Staff

Researchers Leak Rare Photo From Hiroshima



Japan –

Researchers at the Inc Da center for Japanese history have accidentally leaked a rare photo taken at Hiroshima on the day of the notorious nuclear strike. This photo was originally taken in black and white, but a photographer recreated it to add color.

The original photographer is unknown. More details to be released.

-Staff writes

Stunningly Attractive Model Who Technically Qualifies As Slightly Overweight By Modeling Standards, Makes Cover Of Magazine

lving life

Martha Livingston, a slightly overweight by modeling standards, yet unconventionally beautiful female model, broke social barriers last weekend when she appeared on the cover of LivingLife Magazine. Martha is the first “technically, but barely enough to tell a difference” plus sized model that made the cover of LivingLife.

“I just want to show people that you can be proud of your beautiful features” said Martha, “And that a little photoshop doesn’t hurt either!”

She is truly a role model to all those young girls out there.

School Panics When Teachers Mistake Student’s Quran As A Bomb


muslim guy 2Westfield VA- Westfield Elementary  was up in arms this morning as sirens blared through the hallways of the elementary school and a fully loaded bomb squad tore through he building searching for threats. The bomb threat was called in by Morgan Freeliner, a fourth grade English teacher, who claimed one of her student’s was wielding an equipped explosive.

“I brought cookies and treats for the class” says Freeliner, “And one of my students, Mohammed, held up a bomb like apparatus, and said ‘Allah Ahkbar'”

Authorities are investigating the scene. Ten year old Mohammed Wilson, of Westfield VA, is the student alleged for the misunderstanding. Wilson claims the teacher misheard what he said as “Allah Akbar” when really he was saying “I’ll have a snack bar,” but his words were slurred and it might have came out differently; though he admits there is no conceivable possibility  that anyone could have misunderstood his clarity.

After a run down of the school, a full investigation is now taking place. The only item that Wilson had on him was his Quran, which he claims he uses for “Religious Purposes” which is speculated by authorities to be the name of an obscure branch of ISIS.

Wilson was set free this morning, but the investigation continues.


Is Your Friend A Yuppie? 10 Warning Signs To Look For

Yuppies from previous generations were easily recognizable. Rolex watches, Sports Blazers, Car Phones, and copy of the New York Times tucked under the arm were all signs that pointed to Yuppie. Today, Yuppies face the dawn of a new age, and as a result, they are hardly as distinguishable as they were in the past. Thankfully, our staff has been working tirelessly in examining newer Yuppie forms. We took our knowledge of the Millennial Yuppie, and threw together a list that will guide you in determining which of your friends are Yuppies.

*For those of you who don’t know, “Yuppie” stands for “Young Urban Professional.” This list applies to people who are in the age group of 20-32 years old.

1. Your friend listens to “Ted Talks”

ted talks.jpg

Ted Talks showcase a narrow variety of seminars usually discussing trite questions that compliment the viewers naivety like “How to be a successful procrastinator.” Anyone who is diligently keeping up to date on Ted Talks is probably trying to derive some career building strategies from the seminars. Now, someone who is in a career with room for growth…is probably a Yuppie.

2. You overheard your friend say “Close the Goldberg deal” on the phone


If your friend is closing deals on his free time, he is probably involved in a highly demanding job. A lot of jobs can be demanding…But if your friend is closing deals, then he probably holds a professional position. I’d say he’s a Yuppie.

3. Your friend wears a Peacoat 


The Peacoat is a central component of the Yuppie uniform.

4. Your friend participates in 5ks, color runs, or community walks

5 k

Part of the Yuppie’s MO is to be active and social. 5k marathons, color runs, and community fundraisers are a perfect combination of each for the Yuppie.

6. Your friend appreciates opinions that spark a “dialogue”


Your friend doesn’t necessarily agree with your opinion, but he claims to appreciate that it initiates a dialogue. Yuppies use this terminology all too often. “Society needs to engage in this dialogue” they’ll say. It just means that they really don’t agree with you, but, being a professional, they are compelled to acknowledge something positive in your opinion.

7. Your friend eats Keenwa


If you’re angered at the incorrect spelling of “Keenwa”, then you yourself are probably a Yuppie. Yuppies eat this grain religiously. They find a way to incorporate it into every dish, like it is some miracle food. In fact, they actually call it a miracle food. Point is…its nasty without ketchup.

8. Your friend reads interesting articles in the Times 

the times

Yuppies love everything about New York except Donald Trump. They love the New Yorker, the Times, NPR, etc. Every topic you discuss with a Yuppie will always  lead to a New York Times reference. “Ah, I actually just read an interesting article about that in the Times” they’ll say.

9. Your friend smugly volunteers at the soup kitchen once a week


Modern Yuppies are obsessed with keeping their humanity in tact. Yuppies wont brag about it either. The way Yuppies brag is by mentioning things in casual conversation. “You know, I met a nice young man where I volunteer today” they’ll say, or “The people at the soup kitchen are so spirited. They are truly a pleasure”

10. Your friend bought extra space on Google Drive


Yuppies need a lot of digital space for work. If your friend bought space for his Google drive, he is probably a Yuppie.


Easter Basket, or Shalach Manos?

Having trouble identifying those mysterious packages on your doorstep? Can’t decipher if the gifts are celebrating Easter or Purim?

Here are some comprehensive steps in discerning the differences between Easter baskets and Shalach Manos.

1. Have you received ‘Must’ gum in your basket?

must gum.jpg

‘Must’ gum is the go to identifier of Shalach Manos. If you find a package of Must gum in your gift, you can end your investigation, because you have received Shalach Manos.

2. Is there a chocolate bunny in your basket?

chocolate rabbit

Often times chocolate bunnies signify an Easter basket. But, depending on how ostracized your Jewish community is, a Frum person may mistake Bunnies as a representation of the biblical commandment “Be fruitful and multiply.” Be careful with the bunnies. Try checking to see if the bunny is wearing an ironic Yarmulke. Some Shalach Manos have evolved to incorporate humor and irony.

3. Check your bag for poorly wrapped Marble cake, seven layer cake, or Babka

marble cake

Stale Marble cake poorly held together by clumping Saran wrap is a definite indicator that you have received Shalach Manos.

4. You chipped a tooth on one of these cookies, and can’t figure out which religion to blame

easter cookies.jpg

Blame the Christians. These elaborate pebbles can be soft and delightful right out of the oven. But after sitting on your porch for several hours they have hardened with diamond like toughness. They are Italian Easter cookies, and they have kept dentists in business since Jesus.

5. Someone folded a glob of Smuckers into a disfigured triangle and put it in the same bag with the Lemonheads. 


They’re called Hamantaschens, and no, the Jews don’t even bother wrapping them. They just dump ’em in a used shopping bag from a Monsey grocery store and expect you to fish through jelly covered Nosh to get to them.

6. Someone accidentally dropped an entire egg into their dough and left it in the bread

egg bread.jpg

It wasn’t an accident, this was tactfully planned. Christians have discovered the flavorful confluence of sweet bread, and a hearty egg to go with it. After finishing your sprinkled desert, you now have the option of disarraying your taste buds with a gelatinous sphere of salt.

7. You can play Hebrew scrabble with your cookies

aleph bits.jpg

These are found in Shalach Manos. Similar to Aplha-Bits, these are uniquely called Aleph-bets. They taste as holy as they look.

8. You are having fun positioning tiny candy bunnies to make them look like they are humping


They are called Peeps. They are the classic markings of Easter. Since their structure is so adherent, a lot of people melt them down into makeshift glue.

9. You got sushi, or candy made to look like sushi


Sushi is an unexplained fetish in the Jewish world. No one is quite sure why, but it has been trending in recent years.

10. Gefilte fish? or dish sponge?

gefilte fish.jpg

Gefilte fish is like the hot dog of the fish industry. It is made of unused fish parts industrially pulverized into a a sausage that is then cut up into little slices and served with a carrot garnish. If you’re used to it, it can be quite tasty. If you live healthily you may want to ask your doctor if it is right for you. Either way, Gefilte fish only shows up in Shalach Manos.



We hope this cleared things up. Happy Purim, Happy Easter.



An open letter to the open response my Ex posted about my previous open letter

white girlLet me start by saying: I am so over you.

With that in mind, here is my open letter to an open response that you posted last week in reference to a previously written open letter in which I addressed one of your open letters that, I felt, villainized me.

Listen, ex BAE; we used to be the cutest couple. Remember when we remixed the Pina Colada song to better fit our personal interests:

“If you like sippin on sizzurp, and makin it rain…if you’re not into Zumba, and you like Gucci Mane.”   

We had our golden years baby, but for SOME REASON you decided to inflict pain on my heart. A pain of genocidal proportions. To say the least.

We had it all. Everlasting love, a nice trendy coffee shop to frequent, a baby on the way. But then the baby came out black, and you convinced me that the race of our child was the result of a recessive gene in my DNA.

And I believed you. How could I not? You were taking intro to biology classes at the local community center. You knew your shit.

Then, three weeks later, I stumbled upon an adult film in which you were the featured talent. You were having sex with a black guy. The end credits even listed your full legal name. But you said, it was just a coincidence.

I believed you. Because I loved you.

I should have known all the used condoms that were turning up in our bedroom had nothing to do with “New techniques in Feng Shui”, like you claimed. How could I be so gullible?

But I believed you, Because I loved you.

I should have known that when you got married to a black guy  under a canopy in Block Island, you weren’t just “practicing for ours.” That was a real priest! You actually got married to him!

But I believed you. Because I loved you.

Now…we find ourselves here. You have a solid restraining order against me, which, if broken, could result in long term incarceration for me. I intend to break it to the fullest extent of illegality. Because I love you.

Kanye West Proposes His Birthday Be Recognized As National Holiday

kanyeCA – Kanye West is under fire after making questionable remarks last night at a celebratory musician dinner. He was delivering a speech on maintaining humility in the celebrity world. The speech was addressed to fellow celebs in the audience including Ashton Kutcher, Kim Kardashian, and Kendrick Lamar.

In the midst of his speech Kanye proposed an idea that had our eye brows raised.

“Society celebrates the strong,” Kanye said “we celebrate the ultimate influences in society by recognizing their birthdays, and celebrate the day that god gave those people to us, together. Thats why, I think, ya’ll should celebrate my birthday, together, and with me, because that is the best way to show a person you respect them. Without respect, we are nothing. So, yes, I do believe my birthday should be a national holiday, to respect me, the country, and the countries founders.”

This is not the first time Kanye has taken hold of the spotlight through off the cuff, awkward remarks. His aggrandized ego seems to stay hungry, there is never a dull moment when listening to him. It is no surprise that such a remark was made by Kanye.

Faltering over his words, Kanye later stated that he stands by his speech but will not “cause a fuss” if his birthday is not immediately recognized by the nation because he claims that eventually he is assured it will be.